So in light of my extremely average performance on my ICM exam, and the subsequent lack of motivation to do anything but sulk and watch action movies, i’m going to wrap up my night with a few pointers about rushing into relationships.
Let’s see….I think a preface would be of some help.
Since I’ve been in med school I’ve witnessed (not participated in) relationship after relationship after relationship. The vast majority of these begin merely weeks after the initial date/frolic/encounter. Now i’m really talking about going from “Hi my name’s Dapo” to “Hey guys this is my babymama” in about 14-21 days.
This baffles me. How much can you really know someone in that short of a time period? Even if you spend every breathing moment with them…you still have no clue who this individual is. There’s a lot that makes a person who he/she is (atleast 20 years worth of experiences) and I don’t think you can feasibly uncover all of that in a couple weeks.
Funny enough, there seem to be some redundancies in how these relationship come about. Here are my observations:
1) recent breakup
In the relationships I’ve witnessed there have always been recent break-ups. Whether it’s the cessation of a “sex-only” agreement or something deeper, like a longtime boy(girl)friend or a proposal gone wrong. This all equals REBOUND! one of the most common causes of hookups. So far, all these people have been getting their Dennis Rodman on in a major way. Big NO-NO!
2) She/He is different
In all honesty. He/she is different in what way? How do you know this isn’t all just game? In 3 weeks you’ve gone from heart broken to a guru on courting techniques. I can promise you right now that all the guys reading this have heard “you’re not like the rest of them.” In a few weeks to months this usually changes to “you don’t treat me like you used to.” You know why? because it’s game. The same way a peacock boast it’s feathers to court a female, guys put forth their best foot to get the girl. You gotta wait til the feathers come down and you see the person for who they really are.
3) the power of the putty (or dingaling)
This is one of the most captivating phenomenons on earth. This can make the President of the United States jump hoops, let alone a regular ass Joe Schmoe on the street. DO NOT LET IT CONTROL YOU!!! I know it’s hard…I honestly do…but you gotta be able to separate the cookie from the jar.
4) i love you
Why does this word even come into play with anyone who you aren’t in a serious committed relationship with. Enough said.
5) fear of being alone
This kinda goes hand-in-hand with #1. I’ve noticed that a lot of these individuals have been in relationship after relationship for the span of their dating life. You NEED to have a period of being single so you can learn who the hell you really are…and figure out what exactly you want. If you’ve always been with someone, you’ll only know who you are in respect to being a boyfriend/girlfriend. All your growing up will be contingent upon you having someone there. Take the time out and be alone, date if you have to, but keep it simple and platonic…atleast for a 6mo – 1yr.
No related posts.
Interesting title. What does it mean to take it slow? I think the definition of “slow” varies from person to person. To me, when a guy tells a girl that he wants to take it slow, it either means that he is scared OR he doesn’t want to be tied down just incase something better comes along. I agree with some of the things you said but everything isn’t so black and white as you make it seem. Every relationship is different and so is every individual and their circumstance.
Always being in a relationship or having someone does not mean that one is fearful of being alone. Some people just come into your life unexpectedly. And although you may not have been single for that long, you don’t want to miss out on the opportunity of finding a great guy. And trust me if a girl thinks she found someone with potential, she is not going to miss out on him.
I don’t think being with one person for a long period of time defines who you are as an individual. You can still do your own thing and live your own life while being in a serious relationship. However, there is a problem, when one is fully dependent on the person they are with. In that case, yes they should take some time to find themselves.
I agree with you when you say there is no need to rush into a relationship (14-21 days of knowing each other before it turns into a relationship? That’s crazy). It is important to get to know the person you are interested in. I think starting off as friends is the best way to get to know someone that you are interested in. But once your officially dating; where do you go from there? Is there a certain time limit that one should “date” before making things official? The truth is, there is no way to know everything about a person before getting into a relationship. You are bound to learn new things along the way (good and bad). I think the important thing to understand before getting into a relationship is if you and your boo want the same things out of it. In any case, I think it is important to follow your heart. But I’m a girl, I would say that. Guys on the other hand, listen to their head before they listen to their heart.
And Yes, the beginning is always the best because its new, fun, and fresh! Neither person has done anything to piss the other one off! That is with anyone’s new boo! But eventually you have to assume that things are going to get more serious. With time, your feelings for a person will grow. And as things get more serious, you are going to want more from that person. It’s only natural.
I can keep writing about this forever..but I’ll stop here =)
Although I agree with most of what you have written, I also think most of your observations are too clean cut. If it was that simple, no one would have relationship problems! Not everything is black and white, or a list of rules to follow. There are definitely a whole lot of shades of grey in between. As a female, I am guilty of thinking with my heart first. However, more often that not, I take the time to really evaluate the logic behind my decisions and choices. I 100% back the time factor that you have stressed. It isn’t possible to know someone, ANYONE, that quickly and it should not be that easy to get to know someone. Most of the fun of relationships comes from learning and discovering, slowly, what makes your partner who they are, and why you are attracted to them. Instead of just going off on different tangents, I’ll just address each bullet.
1) The desire to want a relationship is not necessarily something that arises because of a previously lost one. It is a natural tendency; we are biologically inclined to want someone. It is a part of our essential growth process, as is enduring family problems, taking tests at school, creating lasting friendships, learning to interact in a work environment. Finding someone with whom you can share the innermost part of yourself is just as important to becoming a whole person as the above stated.
The problem with rushing into a relationship, or entering a relationship before having a clear sense of self, is that often times, one looks to the relationship to fulfill another aspect or desire in their life that is lacking. I think that it is this underlying issue that causes the urgency to snatch up something so readily available, a boy(girl)friend. However, I think, once someone does have this sense of self and confidence, the time duration from relationship to relationship can shorten without a problem because of their own sense of security.
2) Everyone IS different. Only YOU are consistent from relationship to relationship. All other factors, such as age, race, where you meet, attractive features, etc can change. If you are recently separated from a previous hookup, boy(girl)friend, spouse, etc. you know exactly what you didn’t like/want with them and that will naturally influence your current mindset. With breakups come lessons. What qualities are more appealing now than previously, what expectations you hold of another that you wish to share your time with, what you can/can’t compromise on, etc. If you didn’t use your past to help make future decisions, you wouldn’t be growing at all.
3) This is most definitely the hardest to comment on. While guys AND GIRLS, especially in this day and age, are most definitely influenced by the power of either, most of us realize, or will come to realize, that ANY relationship that is only rooted in the physical, will prove to be short-lived. Again, this realization goes back to knowing what you may want out of a relationship and being on the same page as your partner.
4) The phrase “i love you” is definitely thrown around carelessly. Love vs. infatuation should definitely be another article by you, Dr. Dapo. I think many people, who are infatuated, believe they are in love. Then, to love someone and to be IN love with someone is entirely different. But no matter what, no one can judge another on their feelings. Some people express love through actions, some through words, some through silence. There’s a saying about never laughing at another’s dreams, because if you don’t have dreams, then you don’t have much. I think that applies here as well. While I myself don’t like saying “i love you” til I’m sure both me and my partner are at that level, I don’t think its right to judge (or laugh) at another who does feel strongly enough, despite superficial factors such as time.
5) I agree that this ties in with #1. This goes back to using the relationship to fulfill something else. Being alone means facing hardships single-handedly, which many people would rather avoid. While I strongly think both individuals should never be so dependent on each other that a break up leaves one with no sense of self, I also think relationships can really help, rather than harm one’s way of handling troubles. Having a companion to turn to, talk things out with, share your happiness, vent to instead of releasing your anger in unhealthy ways, etc. can only be a positive aspect you bring to the table. Maybe your past was so troubled that you need someone to show you things can be done differently. Maybe you have a perceived notion in your head about cheating, lying, etc. and a new person or the RIGHT person can show you otherwise. Miracles don’t happen overnight. It takes the right person, at the right time, taking the right shot.
So what is the rush? At the end of the day, there really is no rush. I agree that taking things slowly as opposed to rushing into a relationship is the way to go. By how slow is too slow? When do you know the time is right? What changes from Day 54 to Day 55? Is it better to follow your heart and leap or wait it out and possibly endure a what if? No one can answer those questions until they try. Trying takes a lot of courage. But so does love. To end, I think if you are confident in your own wants and needs and find someone who you think fulfills them, why risk losing a good opportunity when it presents itself?
@Stiletto: and @DJ:
Solid responses by the both of you
You both seem to agree with rushing into relationships moreso than you disagree with it. Interestingly enough, you both also justify this by asking “why risk losing a good opportunity”?
My response would be, why not? Unless you’ve only dated 1 person ever…you can attest to the fact that often times “good opportunities” end up not being all that they appear to be.
Slow down and you will be able to see clearly. Opportunities will come and go AND COME AGAIN.
Unless ofcourse you guys know who your one and only is…in which case I expect wedding invitations to accompany your next/current relationships.
Sounds to me like you have no problem letting a good thing go.
@DJ:
No i’m not saying let go of a good thing. I’m saying we don’t need to jump at every opportunity.
If Tom Brady threw the ball every time he thought he saw an opening in the coverage, he’d have a lot more interceptions.
If police officers fired every time someone reached for their wallet, there’d be pandemonium in the streets.
Yea you may miss out on a touchdown..or the guy may actually be reaching for a knife or pistol…but in the long run, taking your time works out for the better.
I’m just saying there will always be opportunities. We all think we have it figured out. I am guilty of this too. But reality is that we don’t.
Noone knows who they’ll end up marrying. So why not take your time and minimize the b.s. en route to finding that true love.
I agree with Dr. Dapo on this one. I think the girls are being way too emotional and sensitive. You can’t just hop on every guy who spits a little game to you. That’s what dudes do. They try to appear like they are the next big thing in your life. Be real with yourself. Dont judge a book by its cover.
I apologize. I think I might have misunderstood. I agree with both Rock and Dr. Dapo. You definitely should not fall for every guy that tries to holler at you because chances are, they are only trying to get into your pants. But if you know yourself and if you know what you want, you will know when something good comes along. And in that case, you should hold on to it.
easily said then done…theoretically seems to make sense, but we still end up making the same mistakes. I mostly agree with what was written by both DJ and stiletto so my further writing on this subject would just be redundant.
In the end, we don’t know what love is or how a relationship should be, because each individual is different, should know what we want and learn from our experiences. Try telling a person these things and they get offensive or defensive…just have to be ALWAYS conscious (as stiletto said) that YOU are the only constant one and you will have to give in or let go of something because in the end of the day as harsh as this may sound your perfect image of mr/ms ‘right’ does not exist. You have to decide whether you prefer the notion of ‘like dissolve like’ or the notion of ‘opposites attract.’
What I would like to be further enlightened about is the concept of the ‘right’ person. Is the person consider ‘right’ because they have similar practical beliefs and values as you do so in a way they are just like you or is the person ‘different’ but the attraction/desire is so strong that make them want to be compatible? Seems like this is the root of all the problems.
I highly believe that each of us is destined to be with someone, but who that person is, is where we stumble and hit a brick wall and find ourselves making such mistakes as mentioned by Dr.Dapo. As bad as this may sound, but the type of cases that you have mentioned seem of people who are gullible or vulnerable…have appear to think they know themselves, but really don’t or want to find themselves of who they really are through others…in the end, these people are insecure. Let me repeat myself in saying that the problem is that each of us has a notion of what we think love is and what a relationship should be, but we really don’t. It is just based on trial and errors…and when one of us makes it, he/she thinks they are experts at it. There is no generalization or any status quo on how, what, when because as it has been repeated each individual is different.
So far I do agree with the slowing down and getting to know someone…but there is a biological clock that is continuously ticking, which we usually tend to ignore, while we are in our twenties even till mid thirties, and that’s when time is of the essence. It is far easy for a guy to say what’s the rush and slow down, but when a girl has hit thirties the alarm bells are ringing and slowing down is not an option. This is all based on medical evidence…that if the girl prefer to have kids she should have at least her first child before the age of thirty because after that the chances of miscarriages increases and after the age of thirty-five genetics play a crucial role. So if girls appear to be rushed because they want to find someone when their mid twenties and want to be married when their thirties it’s because they are aware of this reality.
Yet it amazes me how girls still end up listening to there hearts, while guys think with their brains, when it should be the other way around. When a girl is attracted to a guy, she will consider it as an open opportunity to discover if they are meant to be even knowing that the odds of it being ‘mr. right’ are not favorable, but she is still open to it because there is always a possibilities that this might be it, especially, if there is an attraction from the beginning. So what is wrong with that? That’s not really being rushed and jumping into things it’s just keeping your options open that’s all.
What really confuses me and tests any person of how secure and confident they are is if they met someone, they become friends, and could choose to explore their attraction if they wants to see each other more then a friend, but what stops them, is that they don’t want to lose their friendship knowing that the odds of them being together are very very low…this is where the real dilemma is.
Does they take the risk? Is taking the risk worth it going against everything and everyone? Or do they play safe and continue to be in search for ‘like dissolve like’?
@Rock: I really wasn’t referring to sex in this post, but more so slowing down the emotional attachment. If sex is what you meant by “hop on” lol. if not, then my apologies.
The following post is a good counter argument to why women function by not wanting to let a good thing go.
Why (some) men walk away from love:
http://www.wisdomismisery.com/2011/06/29/love-relationships/the-arrogance-of-men-on-love/